They say fifty is the new thirty. My spirit gladly goes along with that but my body occasionally disagrees; I would have assumed yours does too. So, naturally it comes as a surprise when you tell me that now, with the big F in sight, you entertain thoughts of being a Mum for the first time ever (Mummy, of the Egyptian kind comes to mind- sorry, I should have counted to ten before writing this but you know me :-)).
You know me better than to think I’m being unkind; I get it, I really do. Having worked long at your career, partied hard and traveled far and beyond while your cronies where busy having kids, you are now, finally, ready to settle down. You’re having second thoughts about independence, unconventionality and posterity. And you can finally afford the time and effort it takes to be a parent. Girls have biological clocks to remind them of these things; yours has just proved to be exceedingly slow, as indeed has mine.
As if this were not enough, you have recently crossed paths with a man from your past who has reappeared in your life for a reason. We’ve discussed this before and I agree that his reappearance seems to be part of a universal plan, for what purpose exactly it remains to be seen. Said man has all the qualities required to be an excellent father; fatherhood has so far eluded him or, to be more accurate, he’s been expressly avoiding it for reasons he knows best and are no business of ours. However, now he has come to the realization that although in theory he has all the time in the world to reverse the situation, in practice just about now may be the right time.
Yours is not a relationship based on passion – neither one of you was knocked over backwards when you met for the second time round. So why now, why with him, why you? Maybe you are just both mature and wise enough to realize that passion is not for keeps; maybe you understand that respect, admiration, friendship, companionship and the love that transpires from these are the superglue that keeps people together in a long-lasting, quality relationship. Simple thoughts that are not permissible to a twenty, a thirty or even a forty-year old are maybe OK for older, more mature adults. I can see why such a stable and nurturing environment might provide the ideal ground for a new life to flourish.
But friend, it’s understandable why you would presume this is the right guy to father your child. What is not quite so understandable – and again I am not being cruel – is why he would choose you. He is in a position where he can still easily take his pick from a crop of younger, more fertile women, where passion may also be part of the equation. Is it a rational process? Is it a question of better safe than sorry? Is it because he trusts your genetic makeovers are compatible and you possess the qualities to be a good mother? (and you do, I know you do). Or even maybe that he is also unsure about wasting any more time, as the clock ticks away and his donation-to-be becomes older? If I were you, this would be my primary concern.
You ask me what I think. Question is, are you saying this in the safe knowledge of the improbability of its occurrence or are you really saying it? Were it to happen tomorrow how would you feel? How would he feel?
If you are both sure this would make you happy then it’s possibly the most important and worthwhile objective you could ever share. And the biggest step you could ever take together. If that’s what you want and if you’re lucky enough to succeed, know that I will be at your side to hold your hand and maybe even babysit on occasion. Despite my misgivings I think it’s a great idea and I wish I were brave enough to follow in your footsteps.
Late bloomer, flower away!